| Nine years ago a very dear friend of mine and my husband's from high
school killed himself. This guy, Benjamin, had been through kindergarten,
and so forth upwards with me, and was my husband's best friend at high
school, and in 1994, when he was headed for his mid-twenties, he committed
suicide. This was painful, bewildering, and infuriating, but I was really
fortunate. I happened to be just starting a science degree, and was readily
able to switch from a physiology major to psychology in an attempt to
cope with and try and understand Benjamin's problems. That was the best
thing I could have done, and it's gone a long way to giving me peace with
regards to Benjamin's demise.
Many are not so well placed to cope as I was though, and can go through
life in blank horror at what they might see as failure on their part to
'be there' for, save, support, understand, or sufficiently convey their
love for a person with suicidal tendencies. They are the reason I was
made so coldly furious when I saw posted to a public forum, in which the
poster was a newly arrived community member the assertion that suicides
are cowardly, selfish, and weak acts by people worthy of nothing but contempt...or
assistance in dying. The remarks were made by someone who is patently
both uninformed and struggling to show comprehension of a complex subject.
The result is an almost childish, and certainly very self-righteous struggle
with their own lack of understanding, which is in effect an offense. They
fail to grasp the realities and effects of mental illness and emotional
strain on the human mind, and I blame arrogance for this - they could
understand if they put some thought into it. For someone to judge the
actions of every suicide and condemn them all as weak and selfish a great
deal of arrogance and ignorance need to be combined.
I think the first mistake is to underestimate how much of a factor mental
iillness can be in a person's behaviour and judgement systems. For example,
my degree in the science of psychology has been a powerful tool in my
acceptance of Benjamin's death. You see Benjamin suffered from a debilitating
and all-too-often fatal illness called schizophrenia. There are a few
different variants of this illness, but all are dreadful for the sufferers
and their families to live with. Like depression, bipolar disorder, anorexia-nervosa,
and other mental illnesses, schizophrenia has a major impact on the emotions
of a sufferer, and like these diseases it can distort and severely alter
the judgement systems and perceptions of a person. How the reality and
context of the sufferer are perceived by them can be warped and coloured
beyond the understanding of the rest of us, and this is confusing and
painful for everyone involved. Drugs and therapy can go a long way to
alleviating symptoms of mental illnesses, but in too many cases suicide
or death by self-neglect is the ultimate outcome.
It took until my senior year for me to grasp that Benjamin's illness
more than likely took his fate out of mine, our friends, and his family's
hands long before, but it took me a bit longer than that to accept the
idea and assimilate it as part of my memory complex for Benjamin. I love
Benjamin and now I can remember him without ending up in a grey study
for hours, but many victims of a loved one's suicide can't get to this
stage. They have neither the understanding of what happened to their dear
one, nor the framework for building that understanding, as I now do, and
it is for the scarring and damage they suffer that I am angry at the horrendous
remarks of our esteemed intarweb colleague. Sure, we should all harden
up and deal with the nasty realities of diverse opinion on the web - it's
hard to avoid hitting offensive material around the ether - but I think
in joining a small intimate online community a user has an obligation
to protect that community from harm, be it in terms of web security or
emotional jarring. In coming into a tight-knit community and totally disregarding
the potential harm he was doing this user broke unspoken rules of common
decency, hence this rant. I mean to say, I found his remarks upsetting
and I have a reasonably solid handle on this. Think about what his attitude
would do to someone for which this is a raw and oozing wound...
Don't judge someone by the way their life ended, but rather by how they
endeavoured to live it.
If you are one of the "one in five" or so of the New Zealand
population that is affected by mental illness, or if you are part of another
population and are struggling with it then take heart in knowing you are
not alone, and that many people are there for you if you want support.
Don't however neglect to seek professional help if things get out of hand
- there is no shame or weakness in being ill, be it of body or mind. You
no more to blame for your disorder than you have been for your other misfortunes
of health, and if anyone ever tells you that it's all in your head then
walk away.
For more information of mental illnesses google
is your friend, and for better insight of a more personal kind spend some
time in a psychiatric outreach programme as a volunteer. It worked wonders
for me. For those of you affected by Schizophrenia, be it in yourself
or in a loved one the Schizophrenia
Fellowship of New Zealand Inc. is a good place to start seeking answers
and support.
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