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Dear Aunty chiQ...
Girls don't like me and i've been thinking about growing a goatie.
Do you think this will give me that magnetism that has been missing? or
should I just give up and be content with a life of longing and not attaining?
Celibacy is ok for a while, but gets a bit tedious.
Please help me.
Thanks.
Desperate Hermit
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That depends on whether you have a visage like the rear end of an AT
case or the faceplate of a G4. Prettyboys are always going to detract
from their beauty by growing sphagnum all over their faces, and the homely
should spare the rest of us the pain by burying as much of their mugs
as they can in what pathetic bum-fluff they are capable of cultivating.
Take a punt, ramp up your armour, grab megahealth and have an honest
look in the mirror. Take damage? If so grow the chinrug, if not keep it
clean baybee; we'll all benefit from having a clear view of your beauty.
As to why girls aren't pounding your door down, do you ever actually
pass through it? I have my doubts - I've seen you lurking on NZG...
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pitmonster here,
me needs help: i appear to have misplaced my life i thought it was
in my pocket, but... no apparently it is revolving around a web site called
nzgames please can you help? if not just send me money an' ill buy a new
one.
yours in monsterness
Pit
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Pitmonster, there really is no known cure for Enzedgeeitis, I'm sorry.
Maybe a browser change could be employed to combat this heinous disorder;
Lynx perhaps...?
In the mean time feel free to live vicariously through Simon, His Imperial
Majesty El Presidente Generalissimo Gruppenfuhrer Wing Commander Simon
H. Garlick the First (May He Live For Ever) VC and bar, O.B.E., K.S.O.,
Ph.D., Executive Producer, Mission Specialist, Head Coach, Undisputed
Heavyweight Champion, Clan Hurricane Flag Carrier, AWP Whore, He-Who-Is-Hung-Like-The-Bull-Elephant,
Father of the Nation, Glorious Leader, President-For-Life, Commander-In-Chief
of the Armed Forces, Head of the Church, Defender of the Faith, Sovereign
Majesty of the Heights and Depths, Cosmic Devastator, and Galactic Overlord
- he has enough of a life to go around.
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Dear chiQ,
I am in dire need of advice. What are the default settings for a
particle accelerator? I was seeing if I could overclock mine last night
and yes, I could. But I fear for the safety of the fabric of the space-time
continuum now should I start it. Its so tempting. I need to reset the
thing but lo and behold I forgo to write it all down. There is no manual
for it because, well, its a stolen one. To top it off, there is no helpdesk
to call about particle accelerators. Please help me! I need to fix it
before I give in to the temptation of seeing what happens! The button
is calling me.... Its telling me to press it, just once, just one time,
and then it will leave me alone. Oh sweet little red button, I can't press
you, you might destroy everything.... I won't. I can't. Nooooo!
MV
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*cough*nerd*cough* |
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chiQ,
My boyfriend and I are having problems recently, he seems to have
a strange predilection with rubbing the end of his "tallywhacker" on my
nipples and then inserting ... oh, no wait, that's not a problem, give
me a moment.
Lately during sexual intercourse with my girlfriend, I've encountered
a minor problem she seems to have a slight aversion to placing herself
atop me, and not in a riding/rodeo manner either, just in general. As
you can imagine, sometimes i just like to have her lay on me basically
it just feels nice.. should I even talk to her about this or write to
a column asking for advice? oh, I've done that, .. should I just dump
her and get someone who does it without having to talk to them about it,
or talk?
Also, I'm spending more and more time away from my gaming due to having
my girlfriend staying with me, should I tell her to fuck off so I can
keep the frags up?
Thanks in advance,
kyteler
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I know what your problem is. You use words like tallywhacker.
As to your woman, I'd say she needs to be put through some serious training.
It may help if you introduce her to the joys of tack,
rising to the trot, and riding side-saddle. Every girl has a megalomaniac
inside just dying to get out, and the best way to get a girl on top is
to point out to her that when she's on top she's on top. If that
doesn't cut it just play more Quake. She'll be just itching to sit on
you and slap you around like the bitch you are if you do that enough....that
or she'll learn how to rail and will thrash you into submission on the
servers. Either way you get to have a lot of fun.
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Dear chiQ,
I think I am allergic to Alcohol, But I still like to go into town
and make a fool of myself...
Do you know of any other ways to make a fool of yourself in town without
getting a Drug use conviction?
Yours Sincerely
Spink :D
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Allergic? Are you referring to a certain set of symptoms of drinking
that strongly resemble drunkenness? If you are then I know what the problem
is. You have a human liver. The best way to get around this minor technicality
is to either get a non-human liver installed or not to drink.
An alternative to getting pissed every weekend would be to make it your
mission to be as boyishly sexy and charming as you can. Now I'm not sure
if you're aware of this but alcohol abuse is the single most sexiness-killing,
charm-nuking, smurfed up pastime a man can take up if he wants some lushie
action. Try drinking something like RedBull or V and replacing gauche
lameisms, bloodshot eyes, and slurring with vitality (often mistaken for
virility), bright eyes, and snappy one-liners. You'll have sp00t following
you home every Friday.
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How do I strafe-jump like an a elite quak0r? :)
n3o
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You become an elite quak0r...that or you try hitting strafe-left, jump,
and strafe-right in quick succession, while holding down forwards like I
do. I'm not an eilte quak0r though. I'm a freaking goddess. |
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